An entire week has passed, and my juice feast is going well. After I wrote my last post I continued to think up excuses to stop early, and came to an important realization - I rarely stick to things for long. When things get to be too much, I'm more likely to create an exit strategy than to work through it. Sticking with the 40 days will be an important exercise in working through rather than walking away.
So far I'm getting into more of a groove when it comes to prep in the AM. I'm using the vita-mix/nut milk bag method, and now that I've got the hang of it, mornings are a bit smoother. While getting up at 4am is less than ideal, it's lovely to have a quiet house for my bible study. Today I even woke up before the alarm, which I'm hoping is a sign that my body is responding well to the increased nutrition. Hunger has been a minimal issue, I'm finding satisfaction with my 4-5 quarts of juice, which has been very suprising. My energy is up, but the true test will be when I switch to a busier station next week. So far I have not told anyone what I'm doing, although I'm sure my partner has noticed all I drink is homemade juice. I don't think my husband has even quite caught on (sad, huh?). My little one has started to enjoy sharing juice with me, mainly the fruit-based ones. However, I plan on slipping in some green leafies with his apple and grape juices. Some extraneous thoughts to come .....
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
A New Direction
I've been hesitant to post the changes I've made because putting it down 'on paper' means that I am committing to it. However, after some reflection today, I feel this is a good thing. There have been so many things on my mind recently, in addition to past issues shaking loose, that I've been feeling completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed, frazzled, out of sorts, and dazed. This state of mind has not been good for any part of my life, especially for being the hands-on and plugged in mom that I strive to be.
After much introspection and prayer, I was left with the conclusion that I need to step back from trying to figure it all out right now. Instead, I needed to take a length of time where I can slow down, reflect, and be still. No decision making, setting dates, or endless planning of every minute detail. For 40 days I will be pushing decisions aside and going about my daily life with awareness and inward thoughts. For 40 days I will be fasting (feasting?) on juice, and following along with a bible study that will help facilitate my progress.
Today is day 5, and it's been a bit of a bumpy road already. I have come up with many reasons already why I should cut the fast short - it takes too much time, it could be expensive, I'm not ready to handle the detox, I don't want to deal with the feelings that will be coming up. This morning I awoke phlegm-y, headache-y,and cranky. I thought perhaps this was a sign I should break the fast. After thinking it through, though, this was not a sign to stop, but a sign of detox. I examined my motives and thought through what I would do then - and all I could think of was going to Raising Cane's for some chicken fingers and garlic toast. Hmm, not a healthy plan. Seems to be my cravings are talking, not my spirit.
I'm still working out the details and trying to figure out how it's all going to work out. Rather than a juice fast, I'm following more with the juice feast protocol as I have an active job and an active 2 year old (who still nurses). It's important that I keep my calories up, and balance my nutrition by adding flax oil, etc. Being back on day shift is a bit of a challenge, as I'm not much of a morning person. Crew change is at 6:30am, so I'm having to get up at 4:00am in order to make my juices, clean up, and get dressed for work. I'm also finding there is a learning curve to juicing - some things don't combine well, and some don't keep well over the course of the day.
While I am having some very nice moments, there have also been some negative feelings that are bubbling to the surface. I'm trying to accept those as a part of the process, confront them, and let go of them. I think I've pushed down and held on to many negative emotions for far too long, and it's time to clean house.
After much introspection and prayer, I was left with the conclusion that I need to step back from trying to figure it all out right now. Instead, I needed to take a length of time where I can slow down, reflect, and be still. No decision making, setting dates, or endless planning of every minute detail. For 40 days I will be pushing decisions aside and going about my daily life with awareness and inward thoughts. For 40 days I will be fasting (feasting?) on juice, and following along with a bible study that will help facilitate my progress.
Today is day 5, and it's been a bit of a bumpy road already. I have come up with many reasons already why I should cut the fast short - it takes too much time, it could be expensive, I'm not ready to handle the detox, I don't want to deal with the feelings that will be coming up. This morning I awoke phlegm-y, headache-y,and cranky. I thought perhaps this was a sign I should break the fast. After thinking it through, though, this was not a sign to stop, but a sign of detox. I examined my motives and thought through what I would do then - and all I could think of was going to Raising Cane's for some chicken fingers and garlic toast. Hmm, not a healthy plan. Seems to be my cravings are talking, not my spirit.
I'm still working out the details and trying to figure out how it's all going to work out. Rather than a juice fast, I'm following more with the juice feast protocol as I have an active job and an active 2 year old (who still nurses). It's important that I keep my calories up, and balance my nutrition by adding flax oil, etc. Being back on day shift is a bit of a challenge, as I'm not much of a morning person. Crew change is at 6:30am, so I'm having to get up at 4:00am in order to make my juices, clean up, and get dressed for work. I'm also finding there is a learning curve to juicing - some things don't combine well, and some don't keep well over the course of the day.
While I am having some very nice moments, there have also been some negative feelings that are bubbling to the surface. I'm trying to accept those as a part of the process, confront them, and let go of them. I think I've pushed down and held on to many negative emotions for far too long, and it's time to clean house.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
EEK! Time to re-assess.
A bit over 6 years ago when my mother died in a very tragic manner, no one would let me drive. I had errands to run, a prescription to fill for an excruciating migraine, and an 8 hour drive down to meet with family in order to prepare for more travel. My family and my boyfriend at the time spoke and decided that I would not be allowed behind the wheel. I was not hysterically wailing and crying, instead I was stunned. When you have spent years building a wall around your heart to deaden the feelings, it takes more than a few hours for that to break. At the time I was offended by my loved ones who apparently thought I was going to wreck a car in my grief. I had lived with grief for many years before she finally pulled the trigger, and had a clean record - why were they so worried today?
Two evenings ago on my way to work, my heart heavy and mind racing, I suddenly realized I had just traveled 20 minutes down the wrong road. I had already made a couple of wrong turns that I had corrected quickly. What was wrong with me? I had driven to this same station for the past two weeks now, it was not as though I didn't know the way. I had not been driving erratically, had followed the posted speed limits, shifted gears smoothly, and yet I'd gone off track and too far down the wrong road. Years ago my family had worried I would crash a car, when the more accurate result would have been that I would have gotten lost.
This situation has proven to be a metaphor that I can no longer ignore. While I have many achievements under my belt, and seem to be steering my life well, I have indeed been lost. Six years later I have looked around and realized I've been going the wrong way. Over the past week, many feelings that had been firmly entrenched have shaken loose. It's been a long time coming, but has been a shock to my system nonetheless. The main catalyst has been my son - as a mom, I can not function with a cold, closed heart. Perhaps I could, however, he simply means to much for me to allow that to be how he grows up.
In the past, when I've had glimmers of raw emotion and self-realization, I've simply picked up and moved. I've ended relationships, allowed friendships to fall away, quit jobs, moved all over the country - anything to prevent fully experiencing any difficult emotion. I've blunted the ups in order to avoid confronting the downs. Right now, the wall is starting to crumble, light is beaming through the cracks and exposing areas of my heart that have been buried for a long time. I have to either repair those cracks and build a stronger wall, or tear it down completely. I realize the choice I need to make, if not for myself, but for my family, most especially my son.
Big changes to come, stay tuned.
Two evenings ago on my way to work, my heart heavy and mind racing, I suddenly realized I had just traveled 20 minutes down the wrong road. I had already made a couple of wrong turns that I had corrected quickly. What was wrong with me? I had driven to this same station for the past two weeks now, it was not as though I didn't know the way. I had not been driving erratically, had followed the posted speed limits, shifted gears smoothly, and yet I'd gone off track and too far down the wrong road. Years ago my family had worried I would crash a car, when the more accurate result would have been that I would have gotten lost.
This situation has proven to be a metaphor that I can no longer ignore. While I have many achievements under my belt, and seem to be steering my life well, I have indeed been lost. Six years later I have looked around and realized I've been going the wrong way. Over the past week, many feelings that had been firmly entrenched have shaken loose. It's been a long time coming, but has been a shock to my system nonetheless. The main catalyst has been my son - as a mom, I can not function with a cold, closed heart. Perhaps I could, however, he simply means to much for me to allow that to be how he grows up.
In the past, when I've had glimmers of raw emotion and self-realization, I've simply picked up and moved. I've ended relationships, allowed friendships to fall away, quit jobs, moved all over the country - anything to prevent fully experiencing any difficult emotion. I've blunted the ups in order to avoid confronting the downs. Right now, the wall is starting to crumble, light is beaming through the cracks and exposing areas of my heart that have been buried for a long time. I have to either repair those cracks and build a stronger wall, or tear it down completely. I realize the choice I need to make, if not for myself, but for my family, most especially my son.
Big changes to come, stay tuned.
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