EEK! Time to re-assess.

A bit over 6 years ago when my mother died in a very tragic manner, no one would let me drive. I had errands to run, a prescription to fill for an excruciating migraine, and an 8 hour drive down to meet with family in order to prepare for more travel. My family and my boyfriend at the time spoke and decided that I would not be allowed behind the wheel. I was not hysterically wailing and crying, instead I was stunned. When you have spent years building a wall around your heart to deaden the feelings, it takes more than a few hours for that to break. At the time I was offended by my loved ones who apparently thought I was going to wreck a car in my grief. I had lived with grief for many years before she finally pulled the trigger, and had a clean record - why were they so worried today?
Two evenings ago on my way to work, my heart heavy and mind racing, I suddenly realized I had just traveled 20 minutes down the wrong road. I had already made a couple of wrong turns that I had corrected quickly. What was wrong with me? I had driven to this same station for the past two weeks now, it was not as though I didn't know the way. I had not been driving erratically, had followed the posted speed limits, shifted gears smoothly, and yet I'd gone off track and too far down the wrong road. Years ago my family had worried I would crash a car, when the more accurate result would have been that I would have gotten lost.
This situation has proven to be a metaphor that I can no longer ignore. While I have many achievements under my belt, and seem to be steering my life well, I have indeed been lost. Six years later I have looked around and realized I've been going the wrong way. Over the past week, many feelings that had been firmly entrenched have shaken loose. It's been a long time coming, but has been a shock to my system nonetheless. The main catalyst has been my son - as a mom, I can not function with a cold, closed heart. Perhaps I could, however, he simply means to much for me to allow that to be how he grows up.
In the past, when I've had glimmers of raw emotion and self-realization, I've simply picked up and moved. I've ended relationships, allowed friendships to fall away, quit jobs, moved all over the country - anything to prevent fully experiencing any difficult emotion. I've blunted the ups in order to avoid confronting the downs. Right now, the wall is starting to crumble, light is beaming through the cracks and exposing areas of my heart that have been buried for a long time. I have to either repair those cracks and build a stronger wall, or tear it down completely. I realize the choice I need to make, if not for myself, but for my family, most especially my son.
Big changes to come, stay tuned.