A New Direction

I've been hesitant to post the changes I've made because putting it down 'on paper' means that I am committing to it. However, after some reflection today, I feel this is a good thing. There have been so many things on my mind recently, in addition to past issues shaking loose, that I've been feeling completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed, frazzled, out of sorts, and dazed. This state of mind has not been good for any part of my life, especially for being the hands-on and plugged in mom that I strive to be.
After much introspection and prayer, I was left with the conclusion that I need to step back from trying to figure it all out right now. Instead, I needed to take a length of time where I can slow down, reflect, and be still. No decision making, setting dates, or endless planning of every minute detail. For 40 days I will be pushing decisions aside and going about my daily life with awareness and inward thoughts. For 40 days I will be fasting (feasting?) on juice, and following along with a bible study that will help facilitate my progress.
Today is day 5, and it's been a bit of a bumpy road already. I have come up with many reasons already why I should cut the fast short - it takes too much time, it could be expensive, I'm not ready to handle the detox, I don't want to deal with the feelings that will be coming up. This morning I awoke phlegm-y, headache-y,and cranky. I thought perhaps this was a sign I should break the fast. After thinking it through, though, this was not a sign to stop, but a sign of detox. I examined my motives and thought through what I would do then - and all I could think of was going to Raising Cane's for some chicken fingers and garlic toast. Hmm, not a healthy plan. Seems to be my cravings are talking, not my spirit.
I'm still working out the details and trying to figure out how it's all going to work out. Rather than a juice fast, I'm following more with the juice feast protocol as I have an active job and an active 2 year old (who still nurses). It's important that I keep my calories up, and balance my nutrition by adding flax oil, etc. Being back on day shift is a bit of a challenge, as I'm not much of a morning person. Crew change is at 6:30am, so I'm having to get up at 4:00am in order to make my juices, clean up, and get dressed for work. I'm also finding there is a learning curve to juicing - some things don't combine well, and some don't keep well over the course of the day.
While I am having some very nice moments, there have also been some negative feelings that are bubbling to the surface. I'm trying to accept those as a part of the process, confront them, and let go of them. I think I've pushed down and held on to many negative emotions for far too long, and it's time to clean house.